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I’m Russian…I mean I’m rushing..(sigh)

 

 

Been crazy at work – don’t know if I’m Arthur or Martha, don’t know my ass from my elbow and don’t know where the heck I saved that report that I worked on till midnight.  Grrr…

But I do know that its officially 4 days to go in my 2ww but I’m waiting one more day because I don’t want a repeat of the “AF arrives while I POAS” episode.  Also decided not to POAS this time around.  If you gonna do it do it right. Heard too many stories about the stick being evil…I’m developing a supertitiousness (is that a word?) about the stick.

Another annoyance is that I can’t get that stupid Tom Jones song out of my head- ( “Its not unusual to be loved ….) Been singing it all day. Again…Grrrr  …

And now that I’ve got you singing it… I don’t feel so alone…(evil hehehe)

Not really over my disappointment with my friend but not so emotional anymore. Just sad and feel like I’ve lost a part of me. 

I’m really praying that a BFP will come soon…I’m positive but tired and really scared that I’m putting too much hope on what my new FS has to say.  Every now and then I swear that I feel AF pains and than I seem to convince myself that I don’t feel anything so I’m not sure what I feel anymore. Maybe it’s a blessing to be really busy at work.

Gotta dash…but if you reading this and you praying for a miracle, I really hope that the power of our combined hopes will turn into a lot of BFP’s all around!

April 13, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

I am feeling very sad today.Very disappointed with someone that I considered to be a good friend but this person has let me down.  When you wish nothing but the best for someone and you come to realise that they don’t really care about you it really hurts…or mabe its just extra sensitive me…but I have a physical pain in my heart because I care so much for this person.

My “self-inflicted 2ww” as I call it is also driving me nuts.  I move from fantasising about good news to keeping myself in check and reminding myself of just how big a miracle it would be.  One week down and one to go.  You’d think I’d be used to this by now.

I’m not very chirpy…so gonna sign off…coz the tears are on the way.

April 8, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Hope, Hope, Hope…what a powerful emotion…

Ok so the abridged version of my story is such:-

After 4 years TTC and different docs, diagnosis and procedures I saw Dr J and he finally convinced me to have a laparotomy. It took major convincing as I run at the word “surgery”, especially when its going to be performed on me. (However, when its coming out of McDreamy’s mouth on a Monday night Grey’s, it doesn’t sound so bad…hmmmm McDreamy hmmmm..)
But I digress…

They did the surgery (after Dr V had to hold my hand and try to console me through my sobbing in the theatre while they tried to put me out)…removed more fibroids than I ever knew I had and now we are back at square one…circling dates on calenders…counting…going for scans.
The amazing thing is that during my follow-up hysteroscopy and scan, Dr J mentioned that I was about to ovulate and that although he couldn’t trigger me I should go home and do some “homework”.

My DH (an absolute sweetheart by the way) didn’t take much convincing, after being out of action for a month he was just about to burst! It was fun, a good weekend and now even though I know the chances of it happening naturally are so minimal, I am filled with HOPE.

Sometimes I think that if I didn’t raise my hopes I wouldn’t hurt so much but I realized a long time ago during my Mom’ cancer that sometimes hope is all you have and if you lose that, you lose everything.

In this journey I have not yet lost hope. I’ve been angry, bitter, depressed…I’ve even told myself that I have given up but I have never really lost hope. If I am a day late the fantasies begin and so does the cycle of hurt when my AF arrives.

Be that as it may, I have never been more positive in this journey. And it’s the strangest thing…in my circle of closest friends I am the only childless one left…everybody has had their bundle of joy. For a while I felt really alone in this….and then a strange calm came over me. I realized that a friend can be there for me, can sympathise with me but can’t feel my pain. I have always done that for myself. Nothing changes.

I’ve also always known that there is no race to motherhood and I believe that God knows when its right.

Having said that I do hear my biological clock go off every now and then (I’ve decided it’s a Cuckoo clock!) …I’m approaching 36 in 2 months and that officially takes me over the big clinical 35…but it will happen this year…at least I HOPE….

April 6, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments