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Hope, Hope, Hope…what a powerful emotion…

Ok so the abridged version of my story is such:-

After 4 years TTC and different docs, diagnosis and procedures I saw Dr J and he finally convinced me to have a laparotomy. It took major convincing as I run at the word “surgery”, especially when its going to be performed on me. (However, when its coming out of McDreamy’s mouth on a Monday night Grey’s, it doesn’t sound so bad…hmmmm McDreamy hmmmm..)
But I digress…

They did the surgery (after Dr V had to hold my hand and try to console me through my sobbing in the theatre while they tried to put me out)…removed more fibroids than I ever knew I had and now we are back at square one…circling dates on calenders…counting…going for scans.
The amazing thing is that during my follow-up hysteroscopy and scan, Dr J mentioned that I was about to ovulate and that although he couldn’t trigger me I should go home and do some “homework”.

My DH (an absolute sweetheart by the way) didn’t take much convincing, after being out of action for a month he was just about to burst! It was fun, a good weekend and now even though I know the chances of it happening naturally are so minimal, I am filled with HOPE.

Sometimes I think that if I didn’t raise my hopes I wouldn’t hurt so much but I realized a long time ago during my Mom’ cancer that sometimes hope is all you have and if you lose that, you lose everything.

In this journey I have not yet lost hope. I’ve been angry, bitter, depressed…I’ve even told myself that I have given up but I have never really lost hope. If I am a day late the fantasies begin and so does the cycle of hurt when my AF arrives.

Be that as it may, I have never been more positive in this journey. And it’s the strangest thing…in my circle of closest friends I am the only childless one left…everybody has had their bundle of joy. For a while I felt really alone in this….and then a strange calm came over me. I realized that a friend can be there for me, can sympathise with me but can’t feel my pain. I have always done that for myself. Nothing changes.

I’ve also always known that there is no race to motherhood and I believe that God knows when its right.

Having said that I do hear my biological clock go off every now and then (I’ve decided it’s a Cuckoo clock!) …I’m approaching 36 in 2 months and that officially takes me over the big clinical 35…but it will happen this year…at least I HOPE….


April 6, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments