MMCC- IF ONLY…

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BIG F*&%$ING NEGATIVE

On Thursday I was confused as to whether to POAS or to go for a blood test and I had so much hope. So I took the HPT as soon as I got home.

And there it was- a VERY feint second line! That had never happened before. I took it outside to check it in daylight. I checked it under the lamp and yup…definite feint second line. I went to bed thinking…this is it…its actually happening.
I am not good at tempering myself or holding back my thoughts or emotions. When I fell in love I always gave all of myself right from the start. I am a “all or nothing” type of person. And I am a dreamer. I tossed and turned the whole night, already making plans for this child, deciding how I needed to save for his/her schooling. It hadn’t been confirmed by a blood test but I didn’t know how to stop myself from being excited.

On Friday morning I took the trip to Vitalab and took the blood test. An hour later I got the phonecall to say that it was negative.

How could this be??? Damn HPT’s. I’ll never use one again.

What surprised me was how scared I got when I thought I was pregnant. All this time that I have spent hoping so hard for a miracle and when I thought I was pregnant suddenly I started having doubts as to whether I was going to be a good mother, whether I was going to cope, whether my relationship with my DH would change. I started questioning whether I wanted this so much only because I’ve been told that I can’t have it.

How weird is that?

On Saturday I was surrounded by children everywhere I went. And with a lump in my throat all day, watching those kids, I was reaffirmed of my absolute need for a child of my own.

I’m feeling quite defeated at this point. And I feel like my head is running away from me. I have so much hope and happiness and then suddenly I’m in a pool of hopelessness and despair. Its never been like me to be so changeable – I’m usually quite consistent.
More than anything I just feel weak.

Ah crap.

I’m going on holiday and maybe a short break from the IF site, internet, and friends will help me to switch off (as much as I don’t know how I would cope without them on a daily basis!)

Will return to Vitalab when I return from leave…for another round…

May 17, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 9 Comments

I found my voice!

First an update. The last cycle was a BFN (as expected) but I still shed some tears when AF arrived a day late (instilling that extra bit of hope in me). So I was back at Vitalab to do the timed cycles thing again. Got my Ovidrel injection, did my homework and went back the next morning for my post-coital test. Was very disappointed to see DH’s boytjies dead …not even one little tail wiggling. So had to do a bicarb douche with my “turkey baster” (hilarious thing!) , did my homework again and was back at Vitalab the next cold morning for a second post coital test. To my relief they survived and were swimming vigorously!! Yay!!!

So I am officially 2ww again. And time has slowed down again.

It occurred to me how I have changed in the last 4 TTC years. I was always so scared to ask doctors questions, so afraid to show my DH my true feelings (didn’t want him to feel the pressure), so afraid to share my stories with others as I had been hurt that way. I remember wrapping negative HPT’s in toilet paper before putting it in the bin, so as to hide them from my DH. I would go to the FS on my own to shield my DH from any negative news, thinking that he would tell me, “lets just give this up now”. Never realising that maybe I was isolating myself and feeling more and more alone. I would get upset at Doctors for not telling me everything I needed to know, get angry at DH for not understanding my feelings, cut friends off for being insensitive.

But then something snapped in me and I realize now that I have found my voice.

I challenge Dr J (which has just improved our relationship …he was actually singing to me the other day…was very funny!) I complain, cry and rejoice with my DH. He now fully understands why I am crying and doesn’t just think that I am a pathetic emotional mess. He has proven to be such a support and blessing in this. I don’t bore my friends with constant talk of IF but I share my experiences with them. They now feel that they can ask me questions and it has stopped the strange looks of pity that would make me feel so much worse.

I took me ages to realize that I am not alone.

But I am crossing my fingers now …I am going on holiday next month and won’t be able to get the injection etc. so I am hoping it happens this cycle.

May 5, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments