MMCC- IF ONLY…

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I found my voice!

First an update. The last cycle was a BFN (as expected) but I still shed some tears when AF arrived a day late (instilling that extra bit of hope in me). So I was back at Vitalab to do the timed cycles thing again. Got my Ovidrel injection, did my homework and went back the next morning for my post-coital test. Was very disappointed to see DH’s boytjies dead …not even one little tail wiggling. So had to do a bicarb douche with my “turkey baster” (hilarious thing!) , did my homework again and was back at Vitalab the next cold morning for a second post coital test. To my relief they survived and were swimming vigorously!! Yay!!!

So I am officially 2ww again. And time has slowed down again.

It occurred to me how I have changed in the last 4 TTC years. I was always so scared to ask doctors questions, so afraid to show my DH my true feelings (didn’t want him to feel the pressure), so afraid to share my stories with others as I had been hurt that way. I remember wrapping negative HPT’s in toilet paper before putting it in the bin, so as to hide them from my DH. I would go to the FS on my own to shield my DH from any negative news, thinking that he would tell me, “lets just give this up now”. Never realising that maybe I was isolating myself and feeling more and more alone. I would get upset at Doctors for not telling me everything I needed to know, get angry at DH for not understanding my feelings, cut friends off for being insensitive.

But then something snapped in me and I realize now that I have found my voice.

I challenge Dr J (which has just improved our relationship …he was actually singing to me the other day…was very funny!) I complain, cry and rejoice with my DH. He now fully understands why I am crying and doesn’t just think that I am a pathetic emotional mess. He has proven to be such a support and blessing in this. I don’t bore my friends with constant talk of IF but I share my experiences with them. They now feel that they can ask me questions and it has stopped the strange looks of pity that would make me feel so much worse.

I took me ages to realize that I am not alone.

But I am crossing my fingers now …I am going on holiday next month and won’t be able to get the injection etc. so I am hoping it happens this cycle.

May 5, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments