MMCC- IF ONLY…

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BIG F*&%$ING NEGATIVE

On Thursday I was confused as to whether to POAS or to go for a blood test and I had so much hope. So I took the HPT as soon as I got home.

And there it was- a VERY feint second line! That had never happened before. I took it outside to check it in daylight. I checked it under the lamp and yup…definite feint second line. I went to bed thinking…this is it…its actually happening.
I am not good at tempering myself or holding back my thoughts or emotions. When I fell in love I always gave all of myself right from the start. I am a “all or nothing” type of person. And I am a dreamer. I tossed and turned the whole night, already making plans for this child, deciding how I needed to save for his/her schooling. It hadn’t been confirmed by a blood test but I didn’t know how to stop myself from being excited.

On Friday morning I took the trip to Vitalab and took the blood test. An hour later I got the phonecall to say that it was negative.

How could this be??? Damn HPT’s. I’ll never use one again.

What surprised me was how scared I got when I thought I was pregnant. All this time that I have spent hoping so hard for a miracle and when I thought I was pregnant suddenly I started having doubts as to whether I was going to be a good mother, whether I was going to cope, whether my relationship with my DH would change. I started questioning whether I wanted this so much only because I’ve been told that I can’t have it.

How weird is that?

On Saturday I was surrounded by children everywhere I went. And with a lump in my throat all day, watching those kids, I was reaffirmed of my absolute need for a child of my own.

I’m feeling quite defeated at this point. And I feel like my head is running away from me. I have so much hope and happiness and then suddenly I’m in a pool of hopelessness and despair. Its never been like me to be so changeable – I’m usually quite consistent.
More than anything I just feel weak.

Ah crap.

I’m going on holiday and maybe a short break from the IF site, internet, and friends will help me to switch off (as much as I don’t know how I would cope without them on a daily basis!)

Will return to Vitalab when I return from leave…for another round…

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May 17, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 9 Comments