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On Thursday I was confused as to whether to POAS or to go for a blood test and I had so much hope. So I took the HPT as soon as I got home.

And there it was- a VERY feint second line! That had never happened before. I took it outside to check it in daylight. I checked it under the lamp and yup…definite feint second line. I went to bed thinking…this is it…its actually happening.
I am not good at tempering myself or holding back my thoughts or emotions. When I fell in love I always gave all of myself right from the start. I am a “all or nothing” type of person. And I am a dreamer. I tossed and turned the whole night, already making plans for this child, deciding how I needed to save for his/her schooling. It hadn’t been confirmed by a blood test but I didn’t know how to stop myself from being excited.

On Friday morning I took the trip to Vitalab and took the blood test. An hour later I got the phonecall to say that it was negative.

How could this be??? Damn HPT’s. I’ll never use one again.

What surprised me was how scared I got when I thought I was pregnant. All this time that I have spent hoping so hard for a miracle and when I thought I was pregnant suddenly I started having doubts as to whether I was going to be a good mother, whether I was going to cope, whether my relationship with my DH would change. I started questioning whether I wanted this so much only because I’ve been told that I can’t have it.

How weird is that?

On Saturday I was surrounded by children everywhere I went. And with a lump in my throat all day, watching those kids, I was reaffirmed of my absolute need for a child of my own.

I’m feeling quite defeated at this point. And I feel like my head is running away from me. I have so much hope and happiness and then suddenly I’m in a pool of hopelessness and despair. Its never been like me to be so changeable – I’m usually quite consistent.
More than anything I just feel weak.

Ah crap.

I’m going on holiday and maybe a short break from the IF site, internet, and friends will help me to switch off (as much as I don’t know how I would cope without them on a daily basis!)

Will return to Vitalab when I return from leave…for another round…


May 17, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I am real sorry, MMCC…

    Comment by Bratty | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s extremely rare for a feint second line to show on an HPT without a positive beta. I think you should mention it to your FS because he might be able to use that information.

    I hope you have a really good holiday, and a nice relaxing break.

    Big hugs.


    Comment by Mash | May 17, 2010 | Reply

  3. I’m so sorry 😦
    It really does suck and I’ve been in your shoes a couple of times. Not with the HPT because I rarely take them, but more so with late periods. Like this last cycle AF was 2 days late and for those 2 days I couldn’t sleep at all, tossing and turning, hoping and praying this is it, then as always AF showed her ugly face. It’s really soul destroying, there’s not much more to say!!!
    I think a break is absolutely what you need and time out from the internet/sites/even your blog might just help give you that power you need to keep on going.

    Just remember that miracles do very much happen, so don’t give up hope. You’re allowed to feel sad, angry, frustrated and depressed, it’s normal and you’re human, but then you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving on with the positive fairy firmly on your shoulder!

    Hang in there and take one day at a time if it all seems too overwhelming 🙂


    Comment by Cathy Nel | May 18, 2010 | Reply

  4. I am so sorry to hear your news. A break will be good – give you time to heal your heart from this disappointment and gather your strength again. Sending you lots of love

    Comment by MommyInWaiting | May 18, 2010 | Reply

  5. Oh, sweetie….a break could be just what you need. To care for your heart, your soul, and your body. I’m so sorry.

    Comment by Genevieve | May 18, 2010 | Reply

  6. Really sorry about that, MM. I know how you feel.

    It may help to take a break from everything so that you can sort out your head and your heart, in order to move forward.

    Wishing you everything of the best – and please look after yourself.

    xxx Chopper1

    Comment by ttcnot2easy | May 19, 2010 | Reply

  7. Hey, just checking in to see how you are? Things are really quiet from your side, hope you are OK xxx

    Comment by Mash | October 13, 2010 | Reply

    • Hey Mash, Thanks so much for checking in. I have given myself a break from the IF site etc for the sake of my sanity. I have also stopped all IF treatment. I am trying to accept the fact that maybe it won’t happen and that maybe its been too many years. I just got to a point where it all got too much and I feel like I am ruining all the good things in my life over the one thing I can’t have. I can’t believe how much has happened to you in the interim! Mash, you really are a phenomenal woman! Thanks again for checking in- I won’t be a stranger- will check up on you now and then. I still wish only the best for you…

      Comment by mmccif | October 26, 2010 | Reply

      • Only saw this now… I think it’s really wise of you. I love this community, but at times I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by all the sadness in it. I’m thinking of you and hope that life is going well for you. Take care of yourself xxx

        Comment by Mash | January 5, 2011

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