MMCC- IF ONLY…

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A letter to my fertile friends

To prevent this…..

Hope I don’t sound bitter but here is a letter I will probably never send….

Dear fertile friends,

Do you believe cancer exists? Do you believe HIV to be a real health issue? Pneumonia? Cholestrol? Appendicitis? If you were facing any of these issues do you believe that they would disappear if you ignored them and simply tried to relax?
No? Obviously not- they are a function of your body “misfiring” biologically and only good medical treatment can assist, right?

So what is it about blocked fallopian tubes, fibroids, poor egg quality or sperm motility that makes you think that infertility is any different?

I am not infertile because I want a baby too much. I am not infertile because I can’t switch off and I just need to relax . I am probably not better off for not having a child. The reason that a blessing of a child has not been bestowed upon me is not that I would be a bad parent- if children were born only into perfect families to perfect parents babies would not be abandoned in bins or sold off to prostitution.

I know you mean well, but your endeavours to sympathise or help sometime do more harm than good, so forgive me for writing so candidly but I though you should know what helps and what doesn’t…..

I am sensitive. Think before you speak.

Your child is not my child. Sending me pictures of every insignificant moment in your child’s life does not fill a void in me and forgive me but I do not find them as cute or interesting as you do. I only see reminders of the emptiness in my life that I am trying to ignore. I know your child is your life but it doesn’t have to be the sole topic of conversation everytime we meet.

Tell me that you are there to listen when I need you, but don’t force me to talk when I don’t want to.

You will never understand what I have been through. Don’t offer advice- I am already seeing an expert. Just show you care by being sensitive and a source of positive energy in my life.

I don’t do baby showers. Deal with it. This also goes for 1 and 2 year old birthday parties. This does not mean that I am not happy for you, it just means that it hurts me. Simple as that.

I am sometimes on hormonal medication that may turn me into a hermit, bitch from hell or emotional mess. I am truly sorry about this and thank you for bearing with me.

.

Don’t make jokes about my situation, don’t tell me how expensive/ badly behaved your children are. I know how much you love them. It just makes me feel like you are pitying me.

Don’t pity me- I have proven how strong I am. Be strong with me.

Visit me in hospital. Wish me the best. Say that you’ll pray for me. That’s all you need to do…..

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January 5, 2012 - Posted by | Uncategorized

7 Comments »

  1. Amen, sister. A freaking men. I still go to the baby showers and the birthday parties. I’m too much of a masochist to say no and explain why.

    Found you through Stirrup Queens Friday Blog Roundup, in the comment section! Glad I did.

    Comment by Kate | January 6, 2012 | Reply

  2. Thanks Kate! I used to attend the baby showers but now I send a gift and make a lame excuse as to why I can’t attend…its just easier on the heart…..

    Comment by mmccif | January 9, 2012 | Reply

  3. Here from the Roundup. You are strong and you are heard.

    Comment by dspence | January 13, 2012 | Reply

  4. I also send money and an excuse to the baby shower. It should be a happy occasion and there’s no way I can pretend to be happy so it’s better for everybody that I don’t go.

    And the picture updates? Well, that just means I open your letters/cards over the kitchen trash now so the picture gets looked at briefly then thrown away. Thanks for helping me declutter my life.

    And just because I’m adopting doesn’t mean I’m going to get pregnant. If 2 different fertility clinics couldn’t do it random chance isn’t going to help either.

    You hit everything I’d say to a well-meaning but off-mark fertile.

    Comment by Denver Laura | January 13, 2012 | Reply

  5. YES. This is my favorite part of your post: “Sending me pictures of every insignificant moment in your child’s life does not fill a void in me and forgive me but I do not find them as cute or interesting as you do. I only see reminders of the emptiness in my life that I am trying to ignore. I know your child is your life but it doesn’t have to be the sole topic of conversation everytime we meet.”

    Comment by Detour | January 13, 2012 | Reply

  6. Bravo. Just bravo.

    Comment by Journeywoman | January 14, 2012 | Reply

  7. You. are. amazing. !!

    Comment by jennmarie | January 20, 2012 | Reply


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